Stoners: “I love NY” for $1000 please, Alex

Alex Trebek: “Sound of expelling a hairball or an Empire State soccer club”

Stoners: What is “NYAC”?

Alex: “CORRECT!”

No, I’m sorry, the answer is “who are Queen City FC”

Stoners play New York Athletic Club (NYAC) Sunday PROMPTLY at 8:10 PM at the Crum for the right to fight some other team at a date and time TBD.

NYAC is not just a soccer team, but NYAC is also the gym where Jerry Seinfeld works out.  No wait, thats New York Health Club.  Whatever, they are from Pelham NY, which incidentally, is also home of Sanborn Map Co.  Hooray for maps!

So on Friday night, we here at Penn’s Army reversed roles- I took over drumming duties and Jim handled flagging.  He did a decent enough job, although I’m sure my drumming annoyed some of those sitting around us.  Oddly enough, no one got up and left.  Most were embroiled in conversations about Joshua’s day camp or how Baby Hayley is teething.  Oh, and look, there’s a soccer game, too.  GO WHITE TEAM!

The Keith Moon of NPSL was in fine form Friday night

As someone said to me recently, either this league really sucks or the Stoners are a really good team.  I tend to think the latter.  Who would have imagined 8 months ago that the squad would be sitting all alone atop the NE division, having thoroughly dominated the competition in both their division and the Mid-Atlantic.  With one match remaining (@ Lancaster on the 15th), the boys will enter the playoffs with home-field advantage.  As a long-suffering Philadelphia sports fan, supporting a winning side seems a little alien to me.  I’m not sure how to react.

As for the match, for all the pre-season hype (whatever that means in NPSL) about Queen City being the ‘team to beat’, they have been anything but impressive.  They do have some players with individual talent, but as a team they were sloppy.  How they beat the A-League Rochester Rhinos, I’ll never know.  Like Buffalo, Rochester is also a strange place.  See my earlier post for some context.

As the match progressed, their frustration showed and they got pretty chippy.  The guy in the shorts on the bench, whom I think was the coach, whined to the refs all night.  It didn’t help, and in the end it was no contest - The Stoners prevailed 3-1.  Their supporters were a no-show as well, despite talk of “showing them how it’s done” on the QCFC boards.  In the end, I guess it’s a 7-hour drive to watch a losing NPSL side.  So the “O-Block” stays locked up for now.  HA!  I am so witty.

The rest of Friday evening was spent watching “Hellboy II”.  Awesome!  Go see that.

It’s been nearly a week now, and highly anticipated results* of the readership poll have been thoroughly analyzed by our team of statisticians**.

Artists rendering of trained statisticians

The questions, in the likelihood that you haven’t been paying attention, were as follows:

1) On average, how often do you visit the site on a weekly basis?

2) Have you been cleverly enticed into attending a match after visiting the site?

3) How many matches have you attended so far this season?

On question 1, 50% the respondents answered “once a week” and 50% answered “twice a week”.  One added that they “love reading our comments and stories after the game.”  That makes two of us!!

On question 2, 100% responded “No” the (unsolicited) explanation being that they “were going to attend the matches anyway”.  So much for the bottom tier of my pyramid scheme***.

On question 3, half of the respondents answered “all home games, some away games”; the other half responded “all home games, all away games, except Buffalo, because nobody in their right mind willingly goes to Buffalo”.  Interesting….VERY interesting.

Thank you to the two people who responded to the poll.

Oh yes, and the Stoners defeated the electrifying Morris County Colonials 3-2.  Read about it here!

*not really true

**no actual statisticians were employed during the course of this study

***for more details on my pyramid scheme, email me here to attend my free, no-obligation informational session at the airport Motel 6

Mother nature intervened on behalf of Lancaster Inferno AGAIN and proved that lightning can strike twice, and it can be a good thing–the match was called 27 minutes in with the score knotted at 0, with our boys threatening, as always.

Inferno: “Thank you, Perkūnas, Lithuanian God of Lightning.”

Look for a replay of the first match July 15.  No telling when this one will be rescheduled. UPDATE: According to a vague reference on the Stoners website,  the match was a draw.  I have no official confirmation of this.

Head over to Morris County @ 5 today (July 5th) to watch the Stoners put on a clinic for the Colonials.  Hopefully, the hot dogs-to-hours ratio was fairly low yesterday.

Typical Stoner player enjoying the ritualized 4th of July tradition of overeating?

Because I can’t figure out how to conduct a poll using WordPress, I’m asking for the following input from our readership:

1) On average, how often do you visit the site on a weekly basis?

2) Have you been cleverly enticed into attending a match after visiting the site?

3) How many matches have you attended so far this season?

I’m sure I could do a better job asking poll questions, but I DID NOT pay attention in my college statistics class either time.  GO BUCKEYES!

Leave a comment here or send me an email pennsarmy@gmail.com

BEL AIR, MD - In another display of what witnesses described as “ugly”, the Stoners defeated Maryland Utd. 4-2 to improve their division leading record to 5-1.  The win is another in a growing list of decisive victories against division opponents since the infamous “Boston massacre” that saw the Stoners go down in a fluke 0-2 loss.

Despondent Maryland United fans

Authorities are now blaming an alarming upturn in incidents of moping throughout NPSL cities  on the assassins from Allentown.  In Bel Air, MD, one local official described the atmosphere as “downright depressing.  Supporters are visibly frustrated.” He added “lots of people are walking around with their hands in their pockets, kicking imaginary cans—and reports of muttering and general crabbiness are through the roof.”

Critics were quick to cite factors such as the economy and gas prices, but sociologist Eric Altmann pointed out that general trends of mopeyness seemed to follow a pattern: “when fans are subjected to 90 minutes of their team being outclassed by the Stoners in every way possible, it takes a toll.” Added Altmann “Their teams are even out-dressed.  It’s like showing up to the Playboy Mansion in wide-wale corduroys and a sweater vest.”

The Stoners play again Thursday evening at the ‘Crum against cross-state rival Lancaster Inferno.  Game time is 7PM.

Where would we be without idioms? An idiom is a term or phrase whose meaning cannot be deduced from the literal definitions and the arrangement of its parts, but refers instead to a figurative meaning that is known only through common use.

For instance, if I were to say the Stoners cleaned Boston Aztec’s clock, well if it weren’t for idioms, you may indeed think that Aztec boarded a surplus East German-issue bus in Beverly, MA with timepieces in hand, spending a fortune on diesel and tolls, to arrive here in the pleasant confines of Crum Stadium and have said timepieces tidied up.

Kokopelli boarding bus Saturday morning carrying ugly dolphin clock

With idioms, we know that what we are really saying is that Aztec were roundly defeated by the Stoners 4-1 through a relentless attacking style, stifling defense and midfield control, and needless to say, Aztec still spent a fortune on fuel and tolls.  HA!  Another idiom!  They are all around us.

You could also say that the Stoners mopped the floor with Aztec.  Now, without the help of idioms, you might think that the Stoners and Aztec got together and, in the spirit of cooperation and charity, cleaned floors at local churches.  But with idioms, we know that means the Stoners thoroughly defeated and overwhelmed their hapless opponent. Boston needed this loss like a hole in the head, and they will  never hear the end of this one. But you have to admit, the Stoners victory was nothing short of awesome.

See how easy it is?!

PA Stoners, first place in their division.  Thank you, idioms!

RUMOR KITTY IS BACK

Blind item: At Stooges after the match, which member of Penn’s Army was pressed not once but TWICE as to why he wasn’t drumming during the match, even though he was spotted holding a drum?

Rumor Kitty won’t tell, because Rumor Kitty always protects his sources.

As you probably have not noticed, we’ve been away for a few weeks.  Open heart surgery here, eye surgery there.  Routine for an uptown-type of organization such as ours.  Lots of geezers with iron lungs and top hats and monocle’s and such.  Real high-class stuff.

…and according to folks in California, we can add Glaucoma to that list as well.

In the meantime, the squad traveled up to Boston and was squashed, and team President Ehrlich resigned. Not sure what happened in Lancaster. If someone knows, please drop us a line. According to our inside source, the Lancaster Inferno match was cancelled due to LIGHTNING–a likely story.  Someone from Lancaster probably called the Stoners and was all like- “…we’re thinkin’ it’ll make rain and dooner und blitzen, so throw the cow over the fence some hay and be outen with you’ns”.

In light of all this, we offer these words:

To extraordinary circumstance, we must apply extraordinary remedies…victory belongs to the most persevering.

~Napoleon Bonaparte

If you happened to be in the crowd this past friday to see the Stoners take on Morris County Colonials, then you will understand the following quote:

Mongol General: What is best in life?
Conan the Barbarian: To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

Not suprisingly, Conan is totally on the money here.  Plus he has a pretty sweet tooth necklace.  Never argue with a guy wearing a tooth necklace.

Morris County were crushed every way imaginable.  Defense: check; midfield: check; offense, check and QUADRUPLE CHECK.  4-0.   Not since the Battle of Cannae has one side so thoroughly defeated the other.  It was as if Hannibal himself were leading the charge.

To add some slight insult to injury, some members of the crowd (mostly yours truly) began to politely harrass the Colonials.  This was aided by a large bass drum brought by a member of the Sons of Ben, a few of whom were in attendance and were rightly impressed by the Stoners performance.  As a 2,700-member supporters club, it’s always good to have some backup, especially when the only people you can get to chant are 10 year-old girls (who did a great job by the way).

Next match: Boston Aztec on Saturday afternoon.  Penn’s Army are travelling to the match.  With a drum.  Possibly a flag.  As Conan would say “For us, there is no spring. Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm.”

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like he means business.

UPDATE: DUE TO A FAMILY EMERGENCY, WE WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THE BOSTON MATCH.  THE BLOG WILL BE SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTCE.

It hasn’t happened many times throughout history, and in fact it’s probably never happened.  So really, the Stoners have made some sort of history by winning a battle with no army.

Penn’s Army did not make the trip to Buffalo.  How can this be?  Many reasons, none of them very good, all orbiting blissfully around the fact that it’s a 6-hour ride and it’s Buffalo.

The last time I was in Buffalo it was 1991.  It was 1am, I was driving back from Toronto, and I stopped at an IHop outside of town.  I had $3.  So I ordered a cup of coffee, which I never do, mostly because it makes me nuts.

Welcome to Buffalo

The longer I sat in that orange Formica booth, the more I noticed that, not unlike the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tattooine, the Buffalo IHop was a magnet for all sorts of strange characters,  cast-out to the fringes of our Union.  People with oddly-shaped heads and too much neck hair.  Among my favorites were the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair fan club president and friends, doing their best play-by-play of the famous Flair rant, all in sleeveless Ts and headbands.  Lot’s of “WOOOOOO”s floating around that night.  The best was yet to come, however.

Ric Flair on Buffalo: “WEEEIIIRRDDD!”

August in Buffalo must be something like Oktoberfest in Munich, because there is no way that this was just random aligning of the planets that summoned every oddball within a 350-mile radius to this particular spot (but if that’s true what was I doing there?).

When a couple of strangely tall men–one dressed as Dracula and one as a sea captain–walked in, I knew this place was something special.  The two ordered breakfast, apparently through telepathy because i never saw them actually speak, and proceeded to eat, slowly, never talking, cracking a smile or looking at one another, or even turning their heads in the slightest to look around.

They were still there when I left at 3am.  I wanted to stick around to watch the guy in the make-up burst into flames with the first rays of the sun, but it was time to get back to Pennsylvania, where people were normal.